12/10/24

“I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.”

-Marilyn Monroe

That Monday Meeting Feeling

I want to start this off talking about last night’s meeting. Great meeting. As most Monday nights are. But as I rested my head on the table. Listening to the speaker and the people who shared after I was left with a sense of something. We will call this peace. As I sat in that seat it dawned on me, as it has many times before, the power that circles AA and the people inside it. I’m left in amazement again at another speaker. Multiple years upon multiple years. 29 I think to be exact. I immediately am left with a sense of inspiration. Sitting here thinking wow coming up on 17 months is a big deal. 29 years though is a long time. Many 24 hrs compared to mine. The amount of things and yet remained sober through and through? I know what people will say. You’ll get there one day at a time. What I didn’t understand now makes perfect sense. That last line. One day at a time. Just like this too shall pass. I’ve heard that some many times I’ve lost track. But there’s truth to it. If you believe enough in it. I promise it’ll get you through. Got me through many of the 24 hours on my way to almost 17 months. 

These meetings are beautiful. The words spoken inside those walls are brutally honest and passionate. I’ll be honest not every meeting leaves me feeling like the one last night. When at the end of it all you’re breathing a little easier and your soul has a smile. I might be bias about this meeting. It’s got some of my favorite people inside of it. I’m comfortable there. But maybe I’m just comfortable because they’re there. ❤️ 

At the end of it all. If it’s years you’re chasing or you just came back and hours are all you can muster. This too shall pass. Day to day I live by. One day at a time. Life sucks. Don’t worry you’re gonna be fine. 

The Dream

So Tuesday morning awoke from a dream. Yes. One of those dreams. Drunk dream. I needed to talk about this. Analyze it all from the things I can remember. I’m grateful it was all just a dream. I understand these will happen. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have some questions. So away I begin to type. Searching for the answers that may or may not find me. 

I don’t remember much of this. But what I do remember has left me questioning this and that. How easy it was for me to accept the drink when it was offered. How without hesitation I took another than another. How I laughed when someone reminded me about AA and my sobriety. That when it shifted. Instantly I remember the anxiety that came over me. Anxious. Knowing I’d have to tell you that I fucked up. I messed up and did it without a second thought of how anyone would feel. What got me was how real everything felt. I remember how it tasted. I remember the laughing. 

What was absent from it however was the day after. The morning after when I feel the remorse for what the night of drinking before has left me. When did all negatives of drinking overtake the good times I use to remember? I’m not complaining. There was a mental shift somewhere in the last 16 months. I don’t remember at what point I realized I will never be able to drink safely. Because I’d be lying if I didn’t admit back when all this started. Way back before I could admit I was an alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. I thought I would drink again. Never thought 16 months of continuous sobriety was achievable for me. I’m happy to admit I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. 

This dream really shook me tho. Still a day later I can’t begin to unravel how real it all felt. Unexpected but so real. I’m big on feelings. Anyone who knows me. Knows me well. Knows if something doesn’t feel right to me it ain’t right for me. My mind plays with this idea. And my disease plays with my mind. I’m in better control today of both. I carry today an understanding that tomorrow I may not be. I think that’s where I’ve grown that most. I’m grateful I had that dream to remind me I have to be grateful everyday for my sobriety. No matter how real it felt. I cannot begin to express the relief I had when I woke up and realized it was just a dream. 

Them and Me

Sum up everything and the wonderful life I have. Dinner with my nieces to wrap up Tuesday evening. I won’t play the part of the best aunt in the world. Lord knows I’m far from it. I missed much of their childhood yet that doesn’t seem to bother them. They’re just happy to see me today. Back before they were born. When there was just one of them being born. I swore I would be the best aunt. Never miss a moment that’s special to them. How I was so wrong. Life happened. Things got complicated and I realized they’d be better off without me. I should say I didn’t care and that’s the excuse I went with. I wasn’t good enough for them. That’s honestly how I felt. But I’m not sure if that was just an excuse. One I used to convince myself it was okay not being around. Today tho I’m happy to be present. I love being able to spend time with them. It was just dinner but I had fun and I know they did too. I love that they want to do things with me. I trust myself today with them. To some that may seem so small but to me it means the world. I’m okay taking them places without my sister, their mother, coming with us. I’d never be okay doing this 3 years ago. 

The Wonderful Life I Have 

Today, and I can only speak for today I have a good life. A life that challenges me to be better and presents opportunities to grow. 

ALMOST A WEEK LATER…

12/15/24

I started this on Tuesday. It’s now Sunday and I’ve been back and forth searching for some closure to end this. I had every intention of finishing this up Wednesday morning and posting. But when I woke up Wednesday well things were a little different. It’s now Sunday and everyday has been up and down and up again. Mentally exhausted from just trying to stay sober. Grateful that I am still sober. Wanting a drink Friday. Angry because I can’t drink. Well, drink and not have my life fall apart. A head full of AA to thank for that. Needing a meeting. Decides to skip it anyways. I’m nothing if I’m not honest. Play with a friend Saturday. Awesome in every way imaginable. Laughter with a friend. Best medicine. Taking this daily. It is the prescription for life. Love and laughter. Key to a wonderful life. 

Smile without a frown. Don’t tell anyone okay? I got my secrets. You have yours. Tell me very little or a whole lot. I told you. I’ll never tell another soul. Unexpected friendship. It holds weighs inside my circle. You couldn’t possibly understand. You had to be there. You helped me more ways than you knew. 

My fingers can’t keep up with the thoughts that are running. Emotionally I’ve been everywhere since Monday. Mentally just trying to be okay. Believable even. I’m alright.  I keep waiting for something. Inside my own head. Thoughts. Give me strength. I need serenity. If you’ve reach this sentence the ending is near. The nonsense of back and forth. Pretty sure none of this makes sense but at least now you might understand where I’ve been these last couple days. All over and all the way back. Some times all you really need is a night with a friend to set you back right. Tomorrow is Monday. Meeting Monday. This had a purpose when I started to type. Scroll back up. It’s up there somewhere. I can’t apologize for being anything but who I am. No matter how confusing   Lost. Calm. Contradicting. Anxious for what I assume is no reason. At least thats how it always turns out. 

Alcohol stole so many pieces of me. Replaced with pieces of you I thought were cool. No more. I can’t give up any more. As I walk backwards. Unlearn and reprogram. Finding lost pieces. Learning it’s okay to just be me. I’m a pretty cool human being. Holding on so incredibly tight. Alcohol will never take these pieces from me. I can’t no longer allow it. Just for today my thoughts are clear. What a wonderful life I have. Nothing is normal about it. Who wants to spent time with normal anyways?