“The thing is, if I don’t have sobriety, I don’t have anything.” –Matthew Perry

I’m okay. I wanted to say that first. Sober. Better right now in this moment than I’ve been these last few days I think. Obsessing. Thoughts. Thinking I’ve moved past them. Waking up and another thought is right there waiting for me. Who would have thought telling on me would help me? Not me.

If you’ve read my last blog you already know the days I’ve spent thinking about alcohol. Drinking. Only difference between when I posted that and right now is I’m able to admit I wanted to drink. I told my sponsor this morning. I admitted to myself finally this morning I wanted to drink. I don’t know why. My life today is pretty good. Yet I’ve been obsessing over these thoughts. Subconsciously I feel like I knew for a while that I wanted to drink. Scared to admit it to myself. Let alone someone else. Thinking that would make me less of a good person maybe. I really am an alcoholic. 

This is the first time in 17 months that I wanted to drink. Knowing I have a good life and all of this goes away if I pick up kept me sober today. I have a commitment tomorrow night. I’m grateful because it couldn’t have come at a better moment. I need this and that room more than it needs me. I’m going to be okay you know. Learning more about myself in the process. 

I needed to get this out of my head and onto the page. Tell on myself by telling you. God, Please help me to release this energy and obsession. Help me clear my head and focus on positive things. Continue to give me courage and strength to face tomorrow. And the tomorrow after that.

Bring back the peace that still at times frightens me. I want to be happy. Please help me to believe I deserve to be. I love my life and the people I choose to include in it. I would’ve drank today if they didn’t exist in it today. Look I don’t know what tomorrow will bring with it. I don’t know if I’m going to wake up wanting to still drink. But how can I expect to find a solution to a problem I’m having if no one knows I have one? 

It scares me though if I’m left alone. By myself with no one to look after me. Would I pick up? I know I shouldn’t think like that. I’m sure certain people reading this will say they’re with me forever. It’s time for me to be honest. I have to tell on myself. Speak up no more how scared or embarrassed I feel. Who knows someone might be sitting on the same thing. How can expect them to be honest with me if I can’t be honest myself? 

Look this blog was unexpected but something I needed to write. Writing helps in a way I don’t think I truly understand. But my thoughts flow easier when my fingers do the typing. My emotions become aligned at least for a short time. I’m able to process and understand. It’s hit me today that I am really an alcoholic. If I truly didn’t believe it earlier. Today I was reminded that I am. I pray I become better equipped to handle situations that scare me in sobriety. I pray my thoughts become less obsessive and more empowering. I never thought I’d live a life without alcohol. Yet here I am doing just that. 

To sum it all up I wanted to drink today. But when I rest my head tonight I don’t. It was my worse fear you know. I wanted to drink today. Saying it now doesn’t seem scary. Realizing that just because I want to doesn’t mean I have to. Just like the thoughts I have. Just because I have them doesn’t mean I have to drink. I am an alcoholic. Every day I have to keep trying. Keep doing the next right thing for my sobriety. No matter how exhausting the days feel. I deserve a good life. Peace of mind. Even if the days are exhausting I can’t give up. If I give up now then everything I went through to get here would be for nothing. Thank you for reading. I needed this one more than you probably did.