“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
― Helen Keller

Days go by. This one as normal and regular as the one before. Nothing special. Uneventful is a word I’ve been toying with. People may choose the word peace. They might be right. I’m just not sure I exactly what peace looks like to me. These days allow my mind to wander. Down avenues and side alleys. Manifesting as I go. Painting pictures of imagines meant to stay inside one’s imagination. 

I question so much. So much of what work for me. Time has proven just that. Yet, I’m standing here questioning everything this program has taught me. It’s all… well maybe a little bit suspect. When I got sober I couldn’t put together more than 2 weeks. Before something drug or liquid took me to a place more elevated. A place so familiar. A safe space. Until like previous times before the limit was pushed far beyond the normal limits. All because I didn’t know how to enjoy a good time. I was the good time and there was no way I was ever able to let it end. The chaos. It was good until it wasn’t. I was able to control it. Until I wasn’t. At what point did I lose it? Why me? Why wasn’t I lucky enough to get a life like theirs?  

I’m ridiculously egotistical. Not everything should be about me. Needs to be. But what a time of it was. So many character defects in the last little bit of what I wrote. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back stuck on step 3. Unable to clarify my higher power and what it is to me. I know one exists. Most days mentally I know that’s not me. No matter how much I need your praise to remind just how far above everyone else I am. Truth is mentally and emotionally I don’t always connect. What I think and what I feel could be on two different planets. In two different solar systems. Destined to search forever and still never be one. I care too much sometimes. Love too much all the time. Mentally it destroys me. 

Things get better. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that line. You have a disease and it talks to you. Again. Same line. I believe it most of the time. I prayer because you told me too. Look for signs for the same reason. I opened up to something I didn’t know. That was a life in sobriety. I take one step and my fall back two. I’m aware I think too much. Y’all also said I got a thinking problem. 

Why do I manifest situations? Here we go again. This has been the topic of some many blogs. So many blogs all started with one thought. A thought that became an obsession. That than grows into something so far outta left field its hard to me to determine what that original thought even was. Let alone the real from the fake. Looking for something, anything to just keep my mind busy. But I continue to try and open up to what I don’t know.  Give serenity a chance. You’ll get use to it. Hoping that happens before it drives me completely insane. Or back to that drink. 

I know peace exists. I’ve been there. Moments in time. Freeze frame. Time Machine. Take me back anytime so I maybe I can visit. I don’t know why I always find myself questioning whether I deserve happy. Peace. Joy. Friendship even for that matter. I’m honest to a fault. Yet I still harbor secrets. Some days I feel like I’m drowning inside my own skin. I force myself to get up and swim. Because I remember what it feels like to have someone come and save you. Yes, I meant for that to come out the way it did. 

I’ve suspected for a while now that my life will never be this big thing with goals and dreams being accomplished. I’m working on the acceptance part to that. To be honest I got a list of things I wanted to be. Hopes. I never wanted to be like anyone in my family. For a while I thought I wasn’t. Until I realize we aren’t that different. Sure the reflections staring back are different. But the characteristics underneath the skin are exactly the same. Look I don’t know what is it about me writing. But it help me to understand. 

See a vision for a different angle. I don’t know where that thought came from. But as I reread it there’s so much truth behind it. My whole life I’ve been trying to prove I’m different. A better version of everyone else in my family. I’ve aliened myself intentionally because I always knew I wasn’t better. Never giving it a second thought I might not be. I have to forgive them. All of them. Even if I never have the balls to tell them. There’s so much inside me that wants to do just that. Like I’m waiting for someone to tell me it’s okay that I was a horrible person and yet I’m not one today if that makes sense. 

There’s times I feel sorry for myself. Why could I get a life like this or a life like that? My childhood 100% made me the person I am today. But it’s my fault for never doing anything about it. I wasn’t raised by people who had goals and exceeded them. So why wouldn’t I always take the easy way? I don’t want this to turn into a woe is me party. That’s not my intent in case it can across as such. I’m just finally coming to terms with the fact I’m exactly like all of them. 

But I’m trying to change the narrative which does in fact make me different. I’m conflicted. Losing focus. I can’t explain why I’m still alive today. Never thought I’d see 30 yet in 2 week or so I’ll be 37. Birthdays always make me miserable. Maybe that’s what’s troubling me. I wouldn’t say the thrill and drive to stay sober has returned. However I’m still sober as I write this so something is working. I don’t feel so isolated or depressed about things surrounding AA. Disconnected is a word I dropped numerous times to anyone who would listen. 

I contribute that to the meetings and my people inside of them. My circle is small but it’s powerful. They say things sometimes I honestly am rolling my eyes. It’s just a far fetched understanding. My mind can’t comprehend it because I’m just not there yet. Impatient. Yea. Another defect. I notice all of them. I hate it. Before it was okay because the oh that’s just Mel worked. But I know now I choose to be all of those things. If willing I can change all of them. But how much of myself am I losing in the process? Nothing you’ll say because I’m becoming a better person. How easy is it to revert back to the person I was. Drunk or high. Something.  Didn’t matter. Just take the edge off. 

I’m rambling and so many things. Try to stay with me and follow. My mind is racing. Running. All over. 

Pause. Take a second away. Two days? I was away way more. Come back anyways. Time does change everything. 

People underestimate the power of time. Or maybe that’s just a me thing? Things do really past and everything eventually works itself out. I don’t know why that always catches me by surprise. Like when you’re stuck at the bottom. Unable to even see top. Knowing you’re not really stuck. That screwed up mind is awake and loves to fuck with you. No? Well mine knows exactly what to say. I might as well strap in because it’s gonna be a long ride. I forget about time. I forget about tomorrow. So focused on the right now that I can’t imagine anything else changing. Time, mentally, just stands there. Still. No one can stop time. It’s impossible. Yet when tomorrow comes. Feeling the same. And the next. Feeling the same. And the next. And the next. You lose sight of how it was. Unable to remember the good days. Mentally you’re exhausted from hold on to the raft. Hoping with everything a wave doesn’t come. Taking you out to sea after it crashes. Maybe time does well everything? Once your every day daily changing you change with it. The day to day looks different. So you feel different. Stepping into an AA room makes me both anxious and hopeful. Because most meetings I’m not the same person mentally when I walked in as I am the person who walked out. Most of the time. 

I’m gonna sit across from you. Are you alright?  Share a laughter or two. Feeling better aren’t you? I am actually. Thank you. I don’t know how or what I did to find the friends that I did. I wouldn’t be here with 20 months of sober without them. Each different than the woman standing next time them. Each having their own light. Shining it into the dark world I, on some days, choose to gravitate towards. I put on shades and try to block it out. I deserve to sit here. In the darkness of my mind. Only to, as the clock  moves from one day to the next be relieved from the mental prison I always find myself locked in. 

I am the one who turns the key. Locks it up but hesitate to throw away the key. Knowing I’ll make it back. Confused. Miserable. Having no clue as to what direction or what door to walk through. With ease and a little faith. Trust and conviction I begin to speak. Voices crack but my mind is clear. I don’t know how I will feel  tomorrow but today something has to give. It’s those friends who won’t let me quit on myself. I didn’t forget about me when I to convince myself I didn’t need them or this. I don’t know what got into me. But the difference between the last post and this is night and day. These feelings are different. Thoughts are more real than the make believe ones from weeks before. I don’t how or why. I am the way I am. Days will be good. I might have weeks of bad ones. I have to be stronger mentally. I must remind myself that everything is a choice. Feeling bad for myself. Reverting inwards doesn’t help me. But yet I find myself doing it every time.  Convincing myself I’m fine but in reality I’m dying. Not literally but you get what I’m saying. I’m happy today. Feeling stronger mentally than I have in what feeling like a long while. So incredibly grateful for that small circle of some of the best people I’ve ever met. I need all more than I care to admit. I just hope I’m adding more value to your lives. Because to me each and every one of you are priceless. I want to thank the people in the beginning of this journey. Who spoke words that seemingly just stay with me. 

When I was dropped into AA I speak about not wanting to be sober. Not thinking I was even an alcoholic. That I didn’t belong in room filled with you people. Truth is I was scared of what Mel looked like sober. Would I be as happy as these people that surrounded me? I’ll be honest when I report that not every day is a happy one but I’m working on not letting 2 minutes of awful shit ruin the rest of the 24 hours that are in one day. Learning from previous times the one thought can and will take me down roads and alleys that don’t end in a happy place.

This too shall pass. My sponsor said this to me in the very beginning. How a simple thing can change the projection of a day. Realizing I don’t remember the this time I actually said this. As I sit here watching Chief play with his toy. The happiness it seems to bring him throwing and he chases. Jumping and running. Is true happiness really that easy to achieve? I don’t want to drink today. No obsession of any kind. It was a rough couple weeks. But like I said earlier the difference in this post and the last shows the true power of the friends I have and the places I found them. The rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.