“I never felt outside pressure.. The expectations I placed on myself were higher than what anyone expected from me.”- Kobe Bryant

I’ve always known that my job causes me a great deal amount of stress and anxiety. Alcohol was always the remedy to cure that little problem. Facing this through sobriety has come with its share of difficulties. Knowing I don’t need a drink. Just a bad day. But still wanting so much to tap back into whatever resources I had myself believing could be found at the bottom of that can or bottle. Truth is if I could do something else I wouldn’t. This job is all I’ve ever known since I was 18 years old. 

I don’t care today. I don’t care if I stay sober. I don’t care about you or this job. Fucking shitty day. This isn’t my intention to bring such negativity. I should be grateful. 1 bad day after a few great ones in a row. I’m sure tomorrow will come and things will be better. Internally I’m laughing as if I’m actually going to truly believe this won’t spiral into days lost and energy wasted. Not today. Not this time. I hope anyways. I’m gonna try anyways. 

Why aren’t I grateful? Writing this all down inside a notes app on my iPhone while  should be working on the floor. Disappearing down one of these aisles. Yet here I sit a chair. Buried in the back office. Typing away as if not writing this down it will somehow escape my mind and I’ll become obsessed on what I thought. What I should have said.  

Why do I always shut down? I preach this and that. Yet I don’t do any of it. I turn inwards. As if trapping myself within my own mind has done me so well in the past. To myself I sound like a broken record. Over and over. Repeat. Replay. 

Why do I always write like this? Everything is dark. Is it because of the bottomless pit? The hole I keep stuffing shit back down inside of. The place the broken pieces lay and misplaced emotions hide. The memories of the little girl scared of everyone and the provocative adult. Searched for love in so many wrong places. Scabs from wounds never fully healed. Just waiting to be picked wide open again. 

I have a way of overreacting to things. Blowing them up way too big. Like a ballon I watch expand and expand. Sooner or later… pop. It explodes. Should’ve saw it coming. What’s crazy is I’m the only one that sees them. Problems I convince myself are bigger than what they seem. Am I surprised? No really. I can never just let myself be. My anger makes me embarrassed to even be me. The way I overreact and become so singularly focus on one thing. The wrong thing. Unable to realize I just let 10 mins ruin the rest of my 24 hours. 

I made it through today. As I lay in bed another day sober I replay the day the has just passed. I didn’t care today. I didn’t care if I stayed sober today. I just did not care. I thought about drinking today. Knowing I wouldn’t. But I still let my mind entertain the thought. At what point will that been enough? Thoughts turning into actions. I’m not oblivious in knowing not every day is going to be a home run of a day. I hope some of what I’m saying makes sense. I hope that you understand what I’m saying because to me, like everything I write, sounds outta left field and completely all over that place. Less is more. More words to describe what I feel. 

I lay here justifying everything I feel.  A days worth of feelings all over just trying to suppress.  Are they real or something I made up inside a brain too worried about that one little thing? What do I have to complain about? I’m laying in a warm bed when someone out there shivers every time the winds blows a certain way? I justify how I feel with how I believe I’m supposed to feel. Like I should’ve feel this why because of this or that. I struggle allowing myself to feel things a lot of time. Well, I feel them not enough or too much. There just isn’t an in between. My hope is that tomorrow gets back to some normalacy. There is no other way. The back and forth. Good days and bad days in sobriety. Days come outta no where. Only way to get through them is to go through them. I feel as if I’m handling the bad ones with more grace and calmness. Personally I feel there’s half truth to that. I said with a laugh and a little smile. I was proud when I woke up this morning and the feelings that bothered me from yesterday seem to have vanished. The thoughts in my hard aren’t carrying sp much weight anymore. I’ve been told you have to choose to have a good day. This is something I’ve come to put a lot of faith into. Trust that today will work itself out and I’m going to still be sober at the end of it.