Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is as beautiful as it gets.- Robin Williams

I don’t know how to make any of this make sense. How a person can go from clearheaded to so much noise that it becomes hard to form words to put into sentences that just might help me explain. The randomness of words placed ever so slightly. Here I find myself once again. Nothing good. Everyday one thing. I open this notes app. Start typing. Never knowing what will come out of it. Too close to the flames. But I like to feel when it burns. 

Like a  thin glass pane. Tap. Tap. Tap. Crack. Jagged pieces start to rain down like confetti. Unable to find your footing you slip more as it begins to crack unevenly. Your mind is twisted. Warped by your inflated ego. Emotionally drained. You put yourself so high on top of that pedestal no one can see you from. So as the thin piece begins to break who’s there to save you? How can they help what that cannot see?

Holding onto tears as you swallow another batch of unwanted emotions. Easier to move on than try and fix what lead you here to begin with. The easiest explanation would be to repeat I’m okay over a thousand times. Hoping just one time it convinces you just as much as it fools the ones surrounding you. What it must be like to be me. Oozing confidence yet fumbling my emotions as I walk through the day. Want a drink? Yes please I’ll have two and keep them coming. My alcoholism turns its head. With a grin and a sparkle in its eye. Nope, not today. Maybe tomorrow you’ll convince me to give it another try. Retreat. Yet still waiting and waiting.

Want to cry yet I choose to lie. I’m fine I’m fine. I crawl out of bed in the morning because laying there mentally I’m going to die. Pushed further to the edge it’s not easy to choose right from wrong when the line blurs oh so suddenly. Wearing your heart outside for everyone to sees comes with a price I pay daily. I’m not as emotional strong as my appearance has convinced you. Closed off. Hidden from view. I cry alone. No one will ever see not even you. Emotionally unbalanced. It’s getting hard to breathe. Where am I supposed to go when it was you who once made me free? Going too far ahead. Come back now please. Settle yourself. It’s the only place I am truly me. Inside this warped dark mind. Some light. Through cracks it glows so vividly. 

Is it possible to smile through depression? I believe I’m mastering it. Does anyone know when they are in fact depressed or is it just a feeling? This past week I feel like I just want to stay in bed. Cry. Moments of happiness clouded by sadness off in the distance. These periods in my sobriety have taken their toll. Trouble concentrating. Losing sight. A once people person. Now just wants to isolate and get lost in her work. Forcing myself to walk through pleasing everyone except for me. I lost my happiness and joy for life. The light is dim and bleak. Managing everything and nothing all at the same time.  It’s just hard for me in times like this. I’m so easily able to express myself and what I’m feeling. Yet this time I can’t find words. There’s a block and writing I know is the only thing that can help me achieve mental freedom. 

People say drinking wouldn’t help anything and just lead to more problems. There’s a piece sober me of me would agree with. My alcoholic self would strongly disagree. For obvious reasons I trust my sober self. But for a split second I can taste it on my tongue. Feel it inside my veins. Shaking myself free you’re doing it again. You can romance the shit out of it, you still cannot have not even a drop of something. I torment myself inside til it becomes visible outside. I’m lying if I say I ain’t thought about it. People claiming oh it gets better. Read a book and do these steps. What if that doesn’t work for me? Does that mean I’m destined to serve this life scaring myself back from a ledge to high up to jump from? Spending day after day knowing the stove is hot yet I still must touch it. More times I try to handle rough periods the more it becomes clear to me I’ve accepted that I’m an alcoholic. AA has ruined drinking for me. But maybe that’s the point of the program anyways. 

How quickly my mind goes to a drink. Lately my minds drifted down other avenues. If only I had an opportunity. See, there I go again. Time presents itself as a ruler of everything. It cannot be frozen or stop. Can’t be sped up or rewound. Minute by minute. It is the only currency we spend without knowing how much we have. I’ve wasted so much of it just trying to survive. Making excuses and hiding behind fears. I spent my life running and from what? Me? That probably doesn’t make any sense but I understood every word when I as I wrote it.

People look at me as I look at them. They see the laughter and at the time it’s genuine. But they don’t know I’m gonna cry on my drive home. They don’t know the sadness I carry inside not knowing what seemed to recently change me. No energy for anything. I walk through these days because I have to. Mentally it’s always a battle. How I deal with this life that recently feels too heavy to carry? Crawling back to my bed. I just need to lay down for a second. Let’s meet for lunch or maybe dinner? I’ll just spend the whole day prior hoping you cancel. Right now only I can get me out of this very dark tunnel. Don’t ask if I’m okay. I’m not drinking if that’s what you’re trying to imply.

People tell me I need to be a little kinder to myself. I am my toughest critic. My accomplishments are never good enough. Not for the many internal versions of me. The internal criticism. I’m always looking for something better. Why do you have to be like this? Why do I care what you think of me? I put so much stock into what makes others happy? I’m too emotionally invested into the love of people surrounding me. Both a blessing and a curse. I feel as if I don’t deserve love or am even worthy of it. I’m aware of people’s love and the value I hold within their lives towards me. I just walk around with this thought process that they will disappear if and when the energy or vibe swifts. I don’t need a therapist to diagnose me. I’m doing great all on my own. Depression comes and goes. Putting a label on it makes it own. A sadness and anger behind the mask painted with an ugly smile. What’s the point than everyone will see the frown underneath it. It’s the worst game of show n tell. You show me everything right before I tell you nothing. 

This too shall pass and I’m to assume it will. But when you’re going through it that the last thing any one of us wants to even hear. How do I fix me and all my emotional damage? So many times grabbing a bottle was a solution I took pride in. The vision of my life was attractive and perfect. Or at least that’s what I pretend it to be. I was happy. Moving in between this drug and that. Just to chase it all down with a cheap bottle I stole. Something I was actually proud of. The randomness of words. The nothingness of every sentence. Meant to prove a point or to see if you found the meaning behind that sentence. 

At the end of it all my heart is heavy. My mind is filled with everything and nothing all at the same time. I’ve wanted to drink. Everyday. All the time. There I said it and I don’t feel any better in doing so. I just needed to let this go. Me wanting to drink has nothing to do with actually drinking. That’s just the excuse I’m using as a bandaid to cover up the wound bleeding with my sadness. I feel lonely. Yet surrounded with love. Every mistake is like another little cut. Wasting my life complaining about emotions tied to so many different situations. Yet I don’t know how to fix any of this. Please fix me. Not good enough for the people around me yet they’re all continuing to cheer from the sidelines. I’m aware I sound delusional and insane. I’m unsure about myself and in reality I just want to be alone with my cats until this storm passes. Yet I’m forced to get up everyday. Attempting to choose happy but being sad is what I gravitate towards. I can’t shake that memory from last week. So real and it took me right back. Over seven days later and the taste is still there present in the back of my throat. Again using that as another excuse. To hide the real meaning. The real pain I feel mentally. How can someone be sad? Just sad. You just feel sad. I am sad. The fear of knowing why is the real answer I’m searching.

The rain from this storm has me drenched in sadness. Ringing myself out and hopefully catching every drop on this page. I do hope to find the light I know it’s somewhere down the tunnel. Quick. Because every storm I seem to face gets worse and worse.