“Maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate.”-

Ozzy Osbourne

2 years is a pretty big reason to celebrate. Saturday was great. Sunday and Monday equally the same. Commitment after commitment. Giving back a little piece of what had been given to me these last 2 years. Emotionally charged days. Running off of pure happiness and raw emotions. I road the high and now I begin to process the crash. The downfall we don’t think about when we’re up so high wanting nothing to changed and the feeling to never end. Alcohol gave me the same effect so it’s only right I find those same feelings inside my sobriety. 

I wanted to do things different. Respond in a way that works better for me and puts me in a place that’s good for me as well. A place I’m not welcome darkness and pushing out the light. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows. But in the same breath I could say that it doesn’t means it’s gonna be dark and stormy. I welcome this new found version. 2 year clean no alcohol damn that still sounds so crazy to me. I didn’t know if I’d like this version without the alcohol or the self medicated weed and such. Didn’t know if one day be able to process everything on my terms and in my own way. I may see things differently tomorrow but today I’m going to run with it. 

Below I listed 50 things I’ve learned about myself and 50 things I’ve realized. 50 things that came to mind as I reflect on 2 years well spent inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I still may have some cracks but I’m starting to see that maybe that’s okay. The light just needs space to shine through. Life doesn’t have to be constant pity party. All the attention doesn’t need to be on me. So for now I’ll stand quietly in the back of the room. Just waiting for the next opportunity to make your day better. I’m great at picking you up when you get down sometimes. Maybe I can start giving myself that same energy. This is a good start and I have many things to be grateful for. But today it’s about you.  My friends. I wouldn’t be here with a few days removed from 2 years without each of you. So thank you. 

1. Justifying something doesn’t make it right. 
2. I’m allowed to be angry. Don’t let it completely destroy what you are building.
3. I can’t change who I was but every day presents a new opportunity to become someone better. 
4. You’re still breathing. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. 
5. Love myself for who I am and not what I think they want me to be. 
6. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. 
7. Feelings are not facts.
8. Just because I think it doesn’t make it the truth.
9. I am a better friend.
10. The whole world is not against me. 
11. Don’t judge people by actions they didn’t make. Everyone is their own person.
12. Be available. Because I matter to people. 
13. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It doesn’t make you soft. 
14. The wall you keep up to protect yourself is keeping out those who’ve come to help. 
15. I am stronger than I realized.
16. It’s okay to fall apart. There’s people to help pick up the pieces. 
17. Little things hurt me. 
18. Little things make me smile.
19. Remember to be grateful. 
20. Choose to be happy.
21. It’s not all about me.
22. This too shall pass.
23. No one has the power to stop time.
24. Every outcome won’t work out the way you planned. Accept and move on.
25. Accept things for what they are and act accordingly. 
26. Every action doesn’t deserve a reaction.
27. If the door isn’t open yet don’t force it open. 
28. There’s only one me. Continue to try and be the best version. 
29. No one is perfect. No matter how much you try to be. 
30. Make mistakes. Learn from them.
31. Dance to my own beat. Fuck who is watching. 
32. Stop carrying what people think. I know it’s hard. But try for me please?
33. Go to more meetings. They’ll be good for me. 
34. Try and make someone smile. They might need it more than you. 
35. Sometimes it’s better to be good than lucky. 
36. I’m beautiful the way that I am. 
37. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
38. I’m an alcoholic. Even on days I try to convince myself I’m not. 
39. You quit smoking. Both kinds.
40. You didn’t become boring when you gave it up. 
41. Don’t confuse boredom with serenity. 
42. Life has enough chaos in it. You don’t have to manifest any more of it. 
43. There’s tools around you. Use them when you’re stuck.
44. You’ll never be normal and that’s okay. 
45. Signs. Open your eyes. 
46. Sometimes all you need to do is breathe. Take a beat. Just breathe
47. Moments happen. Cherish them. 
48. Look in the mirror. Say it. I love you. 
49. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You don’t need the last word.
50. Listen to understand. Not to respond.

I am proud of me.